Impale me
by therealitykeeper
Summary: edward scisccorhands/hugh jackman/mr incredible came up with the idea when i woke up one morning, very proud to have a fellow aussie as a character but that won't mean he doesn't get impaled
1. Eddie meets Hugh

You could suppose that Edward Scissorhands was a bit of a superhero, with the weird fingers and all. And because of that, he decided to go to a hero convention on in Dimmsdale which he heard about after impaling the post-man. So he ripped himself into his best body-con dominatrix outfit and scampered out the door like a teenager hearing rebellion knock at the door. Even though he was generally a pretty timid guy, Eddie was actually pretty excited about meeting other people like him and maybe through this experience Edward could even meet someone just like him! He sure was lonely up in that house just hanging out with his bush.

Outside the Dimmsdale Dimmadome (now the town's cityhall since Doug Dimmadome had become the dimmaoverlord) Eddie felt a tad overwhelmed by the extent that the dimmadone had been dimmadecked-out for the event. Quite simply, there was a whole lotta superheroes there and a whole lotta posters with a whole lotta superheroes on them. Eddie was humbled by the sight, noticing that he stuck out like a stubbed toe in his leather clad outfit, teased hair, pasty scarred skin and meek yet unsettling presence. It's a shame he didn't have eloquent social skills to justify his alternative exterior, but since they were all superheroes maybe they'd be nice to him? Eddie sure hoped they weren't the judgmental type because he was well aware of how people had reacted to him before.

Once he was inside he was disappointed to find out that no-one there was actually a superhero but just dressed up as superheroes. Eddie found this out after impaling several people. And because of just accidentally man-slaughtering 5 people, he was taken to sit away in a locked toiler cubicle to think about what he'd done. In the cellar of bowel movements he certainly did think about what he'd done. The whole day had been a whole mistake hadn't it? Edward Scissorhands shouldn't even bother doing anything at all now should he? He should just stay at home and live out his days until he's old and grody and kills himself trying to fix a power outlet. Poor Eddie, he'd really hit a low. He sat down on the toilet seat and carved away at the toilet wall, etching a picture of him being celebrated by the convention goers who now had very edgy hairstyles. He gave everyone rosy red cheeks with some red paint he found in the cubicle. After finishing his picture Edward sat back on the toilet to take in the whole picture and let out a whimpered sigh.

'Alright buddy you can go now.' An authoritative stranger grumbled from outside the cubicle as he unlocked the cubicle (they'd used a chair against the door) and ushered Edward out.

'What do you mean?' Edward asked, holding his hands close to him.

'When you have this many weirdos in one place, you need to be changing the towel every time it's used.'

Edward didn't understand, but not understanding was something he'd certainly come to understand so he wasn't bothered by not understanding.

'But I just murdered 6 people.'

'Good for you buddy.' The stranger clapped Eddie on the back and in the same gesture gave him a little push towards the bathroom door. Eddie raised a brow as he exited, being excused from manslaughter so easily. He raised his other brow when he caught the glance of the statuesque man that was being ushered towards the bathroom to replace Edward. Eddie could feel his (butt)cheeks blush and tremor as he felt the air of this man blow past him. It smelt like Australia. This man that'd caught Edward's affection was none other but Hugh Jackman dressed as the Wolverine. Turns out that to get into character, Hugh actually got steel blades surgically implanted into his knuckles and the way his body had rejected the alien appendage left him sometimes have little outbursts of insanity, being that he thought everyone was a crocodile and would try to wrestle them all. That's why he was being to taken to the poopoo police.

Eddie decided to wait outside the bathroom for Hugh to come out. And when he did, Edward made it his responsibly for their hands to 'accidentally' hit each other. The plan was executed perfectly.

'Oh sorry mate didn't see you there.' Hugh looked over to Edward, bearing a 10/10 smile. 'Hey I like the hands!'

Eddie had caught Hugh's attention, and with the boost of confidence given from being noticed by a celebrity Edward was able to carry out a very satisfying conversation with the actor. They sat in one of the empty conference rooms to get to know each other. Hugh liked Edward's simplistic perspective on everything and Edward liked the way that Hugh had a lot of money. Not to mention how Hugh made him feel in his tummy; like there were pockets of butterflies bouncing around his ribcage making him feel a little giddy.

'Y'know I'm having a party before I scallywag back to Australia to take care of various marsupials, wanna tag along?'

'Oh I do like parties, I'm very good at cutting people as well.'

'Goodonya mate.' Hugh clapped Eddie on the back and Eddie let out a lustful groan of hunger, his eyes rolling back. Hugh offered him a throat lozenge, but Eddie was thinking of something else to coat his throat and it wasn't a lemsip.


	2. Eddie meets Bob

Eddie decided that maybe the more people that he impaled, the more good things would happen to him. Things were finally working out for Edward Scissorhands.

Hugh's birthday was going to be at his beachfront house in a week and Edward was so relieved to hear that he had enough time to walk all the way over to Miami from Dimmsdale. So that afternoon, once the hero convention had closed its doors to go cry in a shower, Edward farewelled Hugh as he got in his boomerang-mobile-that-turned-into-a-jet. Once Mr. Jackman was no longer in sight, Edward let out a happy sigh and began his walk across America to Miami. Imagine a big montage now please, preferably to the song 'Wagon Wheel' by Old Crow Medicine Show.

On the fourth day of his trek across America, Edward stopped to take a breather in a metropolis by the name of Townsville. It was another fine day in Townsville. He decided to go eat a hotdog since they were easy to deal with. In the hotdog shop he found a strapping man masticating all alone. The man was hunched over, and pretty nonchalant as to whether he'd finish his hotdog, having left the bun alone on the ceramic plate. The stranger's head rested on his fist, as his other hand traced the rim of the bowl. With his newfound confidence, Eddie decided to enjoy his hotdog with the stranger. As you know, Edward seems to be both physically and mentally incapable of comprehending 'personal space'. Edward shuffled over to the burly blonde brother, sausage fashionably impaled on skewer, and sat down beside him. The creak of the chair denoted his appearance and the stranger gave a fleeting glance to Edward and became very uncomfortable.

'Hello stranger.' Edward whispered, the stranger had a thin sheet of beading sweat envelope him. The stranger cleared his throat, trying to build up a facade of confidence. But he was building on sand with this creep looking at him.

'Hi.'

'Did you enjoy,' Edward began in a gingerly voice, bringing his skewered hotdog to trace the stranger's broad jawline. Edward swallowed a lump that'd developed in his throat, 'Did you enjoy your sausage?'

The stranger stood up, his chair tipping over in result of the force. He looked down at the plate of bread, maybe if he'd finished his hotdog this wouldn't be happening. 'Look buddy can you give a man some peace and quiet?'

'What's your name?' Edward began eating the skewered sausage like corn-on-the-cob. The stranger shifted his weight across his hips, slightly disorientated by the surreal situation he'd found himself. 'Wait I know, you're Mr. Incredible aren't you?' Edward point his free hand at Bob, 'Aren't you?'

'Yeah, so what if I am?'

'You're a superhero Mr. Incredible.'

Mr Incredible scoffed a laugh of disbelief and shook his head, 'No I'm not.' His voice was deep, trickling with regret which Edward found interesting.

'What do you mean Mr. Incredible?'

'I'm not someone who opens up to strangers sorry.'

'Says the guy who has a movie.'

Mr. Incredible shrugged, accepting Eddie's comment. In realising that he might've just won a conversation, Edward let out a muffle giggle.

'Eh yeah, I guess you're right.'

'So tell me what happened Mr. Incredible.'

Bob then revealed in a highly filtered way that his family moved to Townsville as they'd heard of the constant peril it faced, only to find that there was a trio by the name of the Powerpuff Girls who would always be the first to a job, so his family was a little financially uncomfortable now without the little benefits given after saving a city every week. Poor Incredibles, sounds like they weren't being accredited at all.

'Well I've murdered 7 people this week so maybe you could arrest me?' Edward casually suggested.

'You've... murdered 7 people?'

Edward nodded, finishing his hotdog.


	3. Eddie meets Johnny

8 years have past.

Edward has been given parole and advised to go back home, and since he'd always believed in the good nature of strangers he did exactly so. Upon returning to his town, he noticed an odd air about the retroville he called home. Maybe the 8 years in jail had changed his perspective on things, he'd dropped the soap enough times for some cogs to turn in his noodle, or maybe it was just that a few plastic flamingoes had gone askew, but he didn't feel a weight lifted from his shoulders as he saw his house. He expected to feel relieved to be back home. As he waddled down the street, that lovely mansion of his looming before him, he wondered why he felt disconnected from it all. Once he slid between the bars of the locked gate, he found out why he felt so distant.

His mansion had been sold to Mike Wazowski. As he walked through the front door, bubbling inside with a concoction of nerves and curiosity, he found the whole inside of the house to be splattered with green paint. Each step he took was echoed with the sound of crunching onion skins. Like petals the onion skins had been strewn across the floor. Eddie found Mike Wazowski modelling for Shrek in the foyer. Shrek was finger-painting, but keep in mind that nobody ever mention that he was good at it.

'Zoinks! Get the fuck off my property!' Mike Wazowski said, sitting on his favourite stool drinking lighter fluid.

Eddie did as Mike Wazowski asked and left the house. But while sliding back out between the gate bars Mike Wazowski threw a box at Eddie. Letters spilled out of the box, all of them were addressed to Eddie and were from Hugh Jackman. Edward sat outside what used to be his home and read each letter. Hugh was very upset that Eddie didn't arrive at his bon voyage party and even more distraught when he hadn't heard of Edward ever again. Edward Scissorhands was suddenly filled with an urge to see Hugh Jackman again, so he began his walk across America again. This time, he just might never come back to his old home.

A week later he arrived at Hugh's Miami home for the first time. Hugh was outside washing the boomerang car with Johnny Depp, but Johnny was kind of just rolling around on the hood of the car getting sudsy, chewing on a cigarette.

'Hugh,' Johnny mumbled, gesturing for Hugh to come over from the hose, 'Can you light me up?'

'Alright.' Hugh turned to get from his back pocket the lighter, they way he pivoted on his torso really contoured his abs and Eddie was taken back 8 years ago. He could even smell Australia again. Hugh also noticed a smell waft towards him; the pungent smell of insecurity, and gagged. Only one man could make him choke up like that, it must've been Eddie. Hugh looked up from searching his pocket and saw Edward standing at the fence line of his beach house.

'Edward?' Hugh's velvety Australian accent caressed his eardrums like a woman rubbing ointment on a child's stomach.

'Yes it is Edward.' He whispered, his throat had dried up.

'What'd y'say?' Hugh couldn't hear him.

'It is I, Edward Scissorhands.'

'Hugh, I'm not lit u-up!' Johnny chirped. With the lack of reaction Johnny turned his head to see how his attention had been diverted. Johnny immediantly sat up when he saw the pasty figure before them. Concern wrote itself over his face. 'Hugh don't talk to him.'

'Hello Mr Johnny Depp.'

Johnny scrambled up and stood beside Hugh, pointing a hostile finger at Eddie. He shook his head anxiously, 'You should _not_ be here.'

'Edward...' Hugh's eyes darted all across Eddie in an attempt to try and understand what had happened for those 8 years. So much had happened and it could've been so different if Eddie was there. 'I haven't heard of you in...'

'8 years, Mr Jackman. I have been gone 8 years.'

'You _knew_ this guy?' Johnny choked, he could feel some blood vessels bursting, '_Hugh. You knew this guy. 8 years.'_ Johnny was having difficulty reigning in the tension that was swelling up inside of him, he was in disbelief that this was actually happening.

'What... what happened Edward? I mean where did you go what did you do?' Edward could hear the strain in Hugh's voice.

'I was arrested for murdering 7 people.'

Hugh brought his hands to his heart, his breath taken away by the scrawny leather-clad man before him.

'God you're horrible person.' Hugh breathed, shaking his head as a smile crawled onto his face. 'I deserve so much better than you, but that's why I want you. You make me feel like I'm doing charity.'

'Jesus christ.' Johnny groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

'I apologize for being away Mr Jackman, but I am here now. I feel drawn to you as you do to I. Let us enjoy one ano-'

'**STOP. GET OFF THIS PROPERTY YOU FREAK OF NATURE.**' Johnny threw his cigarette at Eddie, making him yelp in pain.

'EDDIE!' Hugh ran over to Edward to attend to the man who now lay strewn across the floor, shrieking in 2 second intervals. Hugh threw his head back to look at Johnny. 'LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE YOU MONSTER!'

Hugh then hallucinated that Johnny was a crocodile and subsequently wrestled him. Well, he tried to wrestle him. It was like trying to hold soap since Johnny was all sudsy. Johnny shrieked. Edward shrieked. Hugh shrieked. Johnny got impaled.

'WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED YOU HAVE FUCKING CLAWS WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN'

Hugh returned back to his normal self and saw what he'd done, the war front his yard had become.

'No Johnny Depp you can't die! Think of Tim Burton!' Hugh dropped down to his knees, the crippling weight of what just happened dropping down on him. He stroked Johnny's hair, desperately trying to comfort him in what just might be his final hour.

At 2.49 PM on a Thursday, during a particularly breezy summer, Johnny Donna Depp died after being impaled by Hugh Jackman in Miami. His last words, 'fuck.'

Hugh Jackman and Edward Scissorhands decided that they needed to bury the body. But lacking the shovel, they put him up in a tree in the park.

A/N

good ole deputy repp's middle name is in acknowledgement of my momma whose name is Donna since today is in fact Mother's Day. I wrote her a poem and made her a box to put stuff in, the poem goes as follows:

Dear mum,

without you I'd be a bum

I'm a tree and you're the sun

you give me a face

that I can't replace

so I'm lucky it's a good one

we make food and watch the ood

and even when I'm in a mood

you're nice to me

and that is why I'm so lucky

Mum,

don't make me a bum.


	4. Bob meets Hugh and Johnny

Mr Incredible had decided to move to Miami in pursuit of more suitable work. He decided to lead a life of investigatory work on behalf of his old friend Gordon Ramsey. Gordon had transferred over to the culinary arts because dead people reminded him of meat so much that it made his tummy grumble.

'Well fuck me sideways you're an incredible fuck y'know,' he'd said as Mr. Incredible did actually fuck him sideways, just earlier that day.

Bob and Gordon had decided to take a walk and were out around the park trying to find the woman that sold cocaine when they found Johnny Depp dead in the tree.

'Well fuck me sideways thats a man in a tree.'

'Thats Johnny Depp in a tree.' Mr. Incredible said as he ripped off his clothes, simultaneously with Gordon's.

Hugh and Edward, meanwhile, were sitting on the stairs leading down to the beach from Hugh's house. As Frank Ocean would put it, they'd been thinking bout forever. They agreed to dismiss the fact that Hugh was married and just love each other in that moment. Edward had cut off their clothes and sand was seeping into their bums. As the ocean breeze kissed Edward's skin a shiver ran down his spine, the salty air making his nipples sore. Hugh was much better weathered to being naked, lightly callused from his work in acting as various action men.

'My nips are sore, Hugh.' Eddie murmured, feeling heat rise to his 'cheeks'. Hugh revealed from behind him some PawPaw Ointment and unscrewed the cap,

'Turn around.'

Eddie quietly compiled, not wanting to ruin the moment by saying 'sure thing buddy-bobinski'

Hugh erected his claws and put ointment on them, blood rushed from Edward's face when he felt the cold steel slipple his nipple. And the blood rushed all the way down to his wee wee weapon. Edward blushed heavily, feeling Hugh tease at his one nipple. He only had only theone so he hoped it wouldn't get cut off like the other one had the last time Eddie had explored his temple. He let out a shaky breath, staring out to the ocean. He thought of how somewhere out there there was a town in Sweden completely snowed in. This really got Edward moist. He closed his eyes and made a guttural noise reminiscent of moose. Hugh noticed the man-mountain forming before him and felt his extremities tremble, he could feel thunder from down under, urging him to make the summit up this mountain. So thats exactly what he pursued. Hugh straddled Eddie and was gonna put his dingus in Eddie's seiner-wallet when 'suddenly' Mr. Incredible appeared.

'I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT I KNOW YOU PUT JOHNNY DEPP IN THE TREE.'

'Whaaaaaaaat? Nooo we didn't!' Hugh said.

'Yeah you did.'

'Prove it.'

So Mr. Incredible took Hugh and Edward out to the park to see Johnny in the tree.

'I don't understand all I see is a kite.' Edward whispered.

'No that's a dead body.'

'I dunno Bob, that sure looks like a kite.' Hugh folded his arms to represent his confidence.

'Or it could be a treehouse.' Eddie added.

'Yeah or a treehouse, you stupid detective. Guess you're not so Incredible after all.'

Bob had been thwarted once again. Mr Incredible scuffed his foot into the ground, embarrassed to be corrected in front of his love interest. Yes, Bob had fallen for Johnny Depp. But since Johnny was dead he decided to transfer that affection to Edward Scissorhands, don't worry.

Eddie noticed how embarrassed Bob was so he invited him to join Hugh and him at the beach house to watch Frozen and some cowboy movies. Lets just say it wasn't just the horses that got ridden that evening. As the sun set over the ocean, streaking the sky with pinks and golds, Eddie looked over to the mirror in Hugh's bedroom. The golden sun had painted his skin orange, making the beads of sweat on him twinkle like humble stars. His matted hair had light entangled in it, forming a somewhat halo around his noodle. Edward felt very pretty in that moment. He looked down at Mr. Incredible and realised that he'd impaled him.

'Oh look I've been impaled.' Could be heard from the lounge room's TV.

Hugh came into the bedroom with a cup of milk (it soothed the skin) and screeched when he saw Bob all floppy. They decided to put Bob up next to Johnny, not realising that it'd fulfilled his last wish.

The End.


End file.
